What about prom, Blane? ... WHAT ABOUT PROM?!?

So this friend of mine who is a tenth grader at Jefferson High School went to the prom recently. I'll be honest- when she called me, all excited: "Guess what! I'm going to the prom!" Super United Way Girl's first reaction was to THINK: Hoo boy, who's paying for this. I know- I am. My friend- let's call her D for Drama- has a boyfriend who has been locked up in Industry for several months, so I asked her (somewhat grumpily, I'm sure) who was taking her. When she told me it was a friend who was a senior, graduating, and going to Syracuse University in the fall, I cooed, "Ohhhhhhhhhh! When do we go shopping?"

It's a bit tough for me to easily (or at least succinctly) describe my relationship with D. When I used to work at a human services agency (this was BEFORE I became Super United Way Girl), there was a family who lived a couple doors down, and their kids used to play in our parking lot. Some of them lived with grandma; others were dropped off for grandma to watch during the day. I remember having some random thoughts about signing up for Big Brothers Big Sisters. I was 31, no kids of my own, no nieces or nephews even. I'm sure my biological clock was somehow involved: "must... get... mommy/auntie...fix."

So anyway, D was 6 and decided that I was her best friend. To the best of my memory, she asked me one day whether I had any candy, I went to the drug store across the street to get her and the other kids some, and she told me I was her best friend ever. (This is how clueless I was about kids- I didn't even think about nut allergies or anything like that).

D's grandma had custody of her and some of her cousins. D's mom has struggled with drug addiction, and D was born with drugs in her system. The family doesn't have a lot of money for "extras", so I started to take her (usually with her sister and/or a cousin... or two) to different places (the Strong Museum was a huge favorite) and hook them up with activities such as Baden Street's summer camp. And D's and my relationship evolved so that I became her informal mentor. Now, I'll be honest- if I could do this all over again, I would DEFINITELY do it- but I would have formalized this relationship through Big Brothers Big Sisters or another mentoring program. Why? Because I was 31 with no kids of my own and really pretty clueless in a lot of ways. I actually had worked as a mentor/advocate for a couple of years, but with older kids, and in some ways, my paid work experience was more of a hindrance than a help. With D, my role was somewhat muddled- sometimes I ended up acting like the typical mentor (let's do this fun thing, let me help you with your homework) and other times I acted more like a social worker (not a very good one, because I didn't have the objectivity I needed to deal effectively with different situations. There probably is truth to that old adage that a doctor should never treat his/her own relatives.)

D was an extremely cute, sweet kid who is now developing into quite the lovely young lady, but she has had different behavioral issues that have been really difficult for me to deal with and understand. It's always a roller coaster ride- we'll have one marking period where she is a high honor roll student where every comment on her report card is "Is a pleasure to have in class", and the next one, she gets a long-term suspension for fighting. So if I could go back in time, I would have signed us up with a mentoring organization for access to training and support. Personally, I think it would have been good for both of us.There are a lot of ways D has had a positive impact on ME. One can (and people often do) look at kids like D in terms of negative categories. She lives in a home where none of her immediate family has graduated with a high school diploma. Many members have struggled with addiction and mental illness, and have lived in many poor, high crime neighborhoods where the issues her family deals with are not the exception, but the rule.

But D is more than a list of problems or "risk factors". She is smart, exasperating, funny, loving, flirty, mature beyond her years one moment and a little girl the next- not that different from my teenage niece-by-marriage in a lot of ways.

The big difference - D's environment has a LOT more negative influences and not as many of the positive ones that my niece can just take for granted. I worry that D's boyfriend from Industry- or the kids who sell drugs in her neighborhood- will pull her toward illegal or unhealthy behavior. And I inwardly cheer every time she makes a friend who is doing well in school (i.e. Mr. Syracuse University prom date!) or a teacher takes a special interest in her. Hopefully, D has enough positive influences going to enable her to "break the curve" and achieve her goal of becoming a teacher. (She certainly has the brains to do so.)

My experience with D, as well as my professional experience in human services, has convinced me that it is not realistic to expect one short-term program to be the silver bullet for life long success for kids like D. But our friendship has also convinced me that it is important NOT to write these kids off, and the combined efforts of different persons in the community can make a big difference in helping underprivileged youth develop their talents and achieve in school. This is one reason why I'm so glad that United Way funds programs like Community Place of Greater Rochester's Beacons Youth Development Program (which is strives to create a "culture of opportunity" for youth like D as an antidote to the streets) and participates in cross sector collaborative efforts like the Rochester Children's Zone.

Prior to the prom, D told me at least three times: "I'm going to be the first in my family to go to the prom and the first to graduate from high school." (I asked her which she thought was more important to ME, and she rolled her eyes and said "graduation"). I plan to be up there in the front row at graduation with enough tissues for me, her mom, and her grandma, and to hopefully, embarrass the hell out of her with cheering and screaming.

(PS - If you want to learn more about becoming a mentor, visit Big Brothers, Big Sisters web site at http://www.bbbsr.org/)